Lepus: Kessel fight or flight

[saintdamiani]

I have just reached Kessel space. Right off the bat I notice that something is wrong since my ship is getting fired upon right after leaving hyperspace. I take evasive action, it isn’t working since my ship was built from a scrap yard, but every now and then the ship has an ace up its sleeve, unfortunately today isn’t that day. My turbo lasers aren’t working, which means I got the wiring wrong yet again, damn my luck. The screen on my command center just reported that the rear shields are down. AND I ran out of whiskey right after leaving hyperspace… the gods of luck have abandoned me today.

While evading I lose the starboard engine. Looks like I’m not leaving today. Well fine, I’d rather die kind of drunk. Time for a crash landing and hell, it could be worse. I take that back, it got worse: I forgot I’m crash landing on Kessel, I don’t think it could get worse than that.

Entering the planet’s atmosphere and the left wing decided it wanted to stay in space… great. Well the landing is now going to be worse… and did I mention that I’m out of booze? I think yes, but then I again, I’ve been wrong before. Next time I build myself a ship from a scrap yard I have to make a still, never want to do this again.

The ship’s computer is reading out the distance till I hit this god forsaken rock. Right now I’m about two thousand kilometer’s till I hit. This is gonna be fun, better get my big guns ready… if they work after landing. Well now I’m only thousand kilometer’s from the surface. Take that back five hundred kilometers. Oh great, I don’t think those circuit boards were wired correctly, damn that Rodian that sold them to me. Now, I’m not a racist, mainly because it is getting harder and harder to keep up with all of the races that have screwed me over, but Rodians are now at the top. And did mention I have several star fighters following me to the surface? No, well they’re here now. Time to fire up the front shields with all of the power I have left to try to keep the ship in one piece, and I believe the ship is picking up speed due to gravity. If only I had paid attention in aeronautics, then I could figure out the time till impact, or I could have gotten a computer that could tell me, but that would have meant more time finding that computer at my favorite scrap yard, or my enemy of all scrap yards as it seems most days.

Well now I figure I’ve got about twenty minutes till impact, but I’m not sober so once again I’m estimating that I’m somewhere between a half hour and five minutes. The front shields have every bit of power I can provide, and still have some left over to attempt to defend my ship. And of course I have to keep my passengers safe, though I don’t understand their reasoning for choosing this planet of all places to take refuge from the war. Then again I keep getting proven wrong today.

Here it comes any second now, I’ll be saying hello to the force of gravity plus the blunt force of eating shit on a planet’s surface. This almost reminds me of the Chiss military academy when I sort of crashed into the main building of the academy, that went over real well. It only caused me to have latrine duty for the next three years.

I say almost, ‘cause this time I’m really really screwed. Well at least I’m not completely sober, have I mentioned that? Because that would really blow right now.

All of the sudden I feel the crash and am thrown across the command center and knocked unconscious from the bulk head. At this point my subconscious has only one thought, “Why did you forget to tell your passengers to buckle up? Idiot.” Thank you subconscious I love you so much, especially when I’m out cold.

[saintdamiani]

I woke up in a hospital bed. First thought is, where the fuck am I. Next thought is who am I. Final thought is how did I get here. Well this could be worse, not that I can remember anything that might have been worse.

In walks a Rodian, I am assuming he is in charge. He definitely fits the description of peppy little spit fuck. Just looking at him tells me I’m really gonna hate this kid. I think I might be hung-over, but I don’t remember how that feels.

Rodian, “My name is Deebro, and I am now your master. You will be working in the mines. If you try to escape, that nice shiny necklace you got there, will blow your head off, if you lucky, otherwise it’ll just make you look like a shaved Wookie. And trust me, they aren't that pretty.”

Lepus, “Well, maybe you can answer my questions. First up is where the hell am I? Second, who am I? Finally, when the hell can I get the fuck outta here?”

Deebro, “You are on Kessel. Your name, from what we found on what was left of your ship’s computer is Lepus. And for getting out of here, well that will be never, if you mean leaving Kessel, otherwise you will be joining our lovely work force, tomorrow morning, pushing the mine carts out.”

Lepus, “Well ain’t that just a bucket of sunshine. Well then, where is some whiskey, cause I see our little pretty relationship is just gonna be real perky.”

Deebro, “There isn’t any whiskey.”

Lepus, “Let me get this straight, I am going to be a slave, and I have to be completely sober? And I don’t get to use explosives? I hope I get the chance to kill you at some point.”

Deebro, “If you ever get the chance, I’ll see who’s quicker on the draw.”

Lepus, “Well I’ll see your happy ass in the morning, bright and early.”

Deebro, “Just so you know, you’ve been out cold for the last forty eight hours.”

First day in the spice mine and I just now realized how big of a shithole I crash landed on. Well at least I’m gonna get the body of a hi-lo player out of this… on the bright side anyways. I think I have about four hours ‘til they feed me. I have apparently already gotten on the bad side of one of the guards, a Gamorrean, named Larry, since no one can pronounce his real name, or maybe he is just that stupid and he can’t pronounce either, in either case it does not surprise me.

Larry, “You work faster now.”

Me, “Maybe you should learn Basic a little better and maybe you won’t sound like a complete idiot”

Larry, “Me gonna shock you with big stick, if you not careful. Me don’t like smarty slaves.”

Me, “How much do you get paid to stand there and attempt to look perrdy?”

Larry, “What is perrdy?”

Me, “Well apparently if you don’t catch my drift, then it really ain’t important.” Stupid sombitch.

Larry, “Me gonna shock you now.” Stun baton whirls up.

Me, “Son of bitch!!! Damn son, may I have another?”

Larry, “HAHAHA! You look fun when shocked… Me not laugh that hard in years. Back work you.”

Well, I guess I better actually do my job… fuck my life. Wonder how long ‘til I can use explosives.

[saintdamiani]

Well work in the mines consists of how to push a cart and how to keep a poker game going at the same time. Not as easy as the holo videos make it. At least, I think it’s real… the prison only gets the basic cable or whatever package. But I haven’t seen any other programs… Larry isn’t exactly the greatest TV operator or anything else for that matter. But people who crash land on a random fucked up planet don’t exactly find a five star hotel or get to choice that they go to work for in slave labor. On a positive note, not only have I found enough scrap metal to start making some good ole moonshine... now I can really start working. Also I started working with explosives, the problem is that we are starting to run low because of some war between the religious fanatics.. At least I don’t have to pay for fuel for my ship… but then again that’ll happen when you crash on a random planet.

On the explosives note, I think I made a new one. It acts like thermite, but blows up like dynamite. Still working on a name, but so far I’ve only had a few others lose a limb, and Bob died. Poor bastard he didn’t get to see his daughter at the wedding next week on Tatowine. I don’t think he was gonna get the chance to go… still had to work off all the money he lost on that pod race. But I think I got Larry to give his daughter some money to pay for her wedding… we’ll see how that one works out. I couldn’t tell the difference between a male wookie or female one, when I get out of here I’m definitely shaving one.

I have a prison riot in the works right now. If I can just get some more explosives, it might just work, but I also need a ride off this shithole. Maybe that ole tie fighter wanna be ship has a hyper drive or I could just use the parts from my old ship, if they still work or exist. Anyways, I have also become the mines one and only maintance chiss/man, which qualifies? Anyone? Anyone at all? There we go Larry says Chiss maintance man. I will assume this is right, but I have been wrong in the past, as why I am stuck here.

Nice to know that Larry appreciates me, in some weird way, wow now that I think about that sounds extremely gay. But it fits I am in a prison of sorts, at least for him. I’m still looking for the female prisoners, a hot twiliek stripper that would be really great right now. Don’t remember the last time I was laid. Also I have been named Lepus. Apparently I look like a hare and run just as fast as one, when a bomb goes off that I made. But as the saying goes if you see me running try and keep up, typical bomb technical, unless you’re a sith, then the your all about going out with a boom, or so I’m told.

Well anywho, I’m going back to the big race and Bob’s brother Jimmy made some toilet wine so I’ll be up to no good. And if I’m lucky there will be some left over in the morning. Luck? Did I really say luck? Damn I’m starting to think positively, I need booze now. Well I’ll continue my journal or dairy thing in a week or so… unless that stupid explosive back fires… again. Sorry bob, I didn’t know that the thermite was going to melt into the exploding part and vaporize you. I’ll stop and see your daughter once I’m out. I definitely need to education Larry in the art of bathing… I know I’m no rose garden, but damn.

[saintdamiani]

Officially shit has hit the fan. This is coming from me, an alcoholic chiss… that should say something. This morning the other inmates decided my time frame was a little too slow for them. The guards are going nuts attempting to calm the riot. I am still in my cell with some homemade explosives. Those poor guards didn’t know what hit, or maybe they did it was parts of my cell and lots of heat. I believe that puts my score up to 3 now. Haven’t run into Larry yet.

I know the prison complex like the back of my hand, only been here for what I think is about 4 fucking months. Immediately after leaving my cell I took off to the left trying to gain ground and get as close as I can to ground level. So maybe I can find a way off this god forsaken rock and by the way did I mention that I’m running around in a kilt? No? Well that’s what’s happening, with about six to eight pounds of explosives on my back to with no shirt. If that doesn’t say suicidal nothing does, almost sounds like a sith soldiers.

I have gotten to cell block A and found Jimmy dead. I wish I could say that was a shame, but this is a prison and I really don’t care that much about the other inmates. I look down the hallway to the left just in time to see six guards open fire on me. I know that I should go somewhere, mostly likely up, but I have one of them jedi moments and decide to chuck a bomb down the hall with a ten second delay and run like hell down the flight of stairs to the left into cell block B. Now there is a prison ship in the hanger somewhere in cell block D, but this prison isn’t setup logically. The only two cell blocks that are in any order are A and B. To get the hanger I have to get to the surface, and B is under A. I don’t have a fucking clue as how to get up to the surface, since I just blow up the only set of stairs I know that lead to the surface. Well I’ve done stupider shit.

I’m just going to run to the other side of B to blow a hole into A and climb up; at least this is the plan. While in transit to put my plan into action, I notice that one of the cells isn’t open, which is surprising, because when the power isn’t working the backup generator kicks in and has just enough power to run the lights. Well, based on the other decisions I’ve made today, this won’t necessarily be the worst.

There is a wookie in the cell. It just looks pissed. I don’t mess with creatures that are pissed, but it could help me.

I start the conversation off with, “So how’d you end up here?”

I get a growl in response. This is going great. “If I let you out will not kill me? I don’t understand wookie, so I’m not going to try right now, but if you want out and won’t kill me growl twice otherwise you’re on your own.”

It growls twice. Great I have a carpet that can now kill me at any time, lovely. I let it out and it immediately grabs me by the neck and starts to choke me. I immediately start punching it in the ribs and manage a kick to where I think it’s going to hurt. Thankfully that was enough to get it to stop choking me. Since that worked I’m going to assume it is a he. My next move doesn’t exactly put me in the best position. I put him in a choke hold, which worked for about two seconds. He proceeded to throw me across the room and just about knock my happy ass out.

I got up and looked him in the eye and said, “You’ll do for now.”

He burst out laughing and growled what I am assuming to be a happy growl.

We then proceeded down the hall to get to the end of the block. I found the room, which looks like a good entrance point into cell block A. I’ve got about five pounds left of my new toys. I think three pounds will do the job. I place them and set the timer for sixty seconds. The wookie and I then run like hell to get away, since as the saying goes, if you see me running try and keep up, apparently it universal in all languages now.

About thirty seconds later it blew. This is why you should never get parts at a prison and attempt to build a bomb out of it. I should have checked the timer before I put in the bomb. Oh well, at least it didn’t kill me or my new found companion.

Upon examining the damage, I have found that the whole I just mad took out the bottom floor and the wall to the outside. Either way that was way too much boom juice to use, they know I coming now. Well, from what I am starting to remember, that was one of the reasons why the Chiss military, wouldn’t let me stay in recon.

On the way up the wookie, had a disagreement on who should go first since he was bigger he should go up first.

My immediate responses “Look at the hole that was just made, I have the explosives, and I have no qualms with killing you.”

He didn’t argue after that.

Once getting up there I looked around and noticed that the ship is out on the landing pad. Screw going through the cell blocks to get to the ship. We immediately make a run for the ship. Once we got there we noticed the guards were packing the last shipment and getting the fuck off this planet, my guess the riot was too much for them. Well that’s what happens when you piss me off. Now if only I could get on that ship with the spice and make some money. The wookie had the same idea and was already charging, so much for using the element of surprise.

When I finally caught up to the wookie, he had already downed three of the guards and was about to get the fourth, when he was shot down by another guard with a rifle. I immediately hit the deck and began looking for a gun. I found a knife and a blaster. There is only two guards left, neglecting the guards on the ship. I fired at the one with the rifle, and missed. This going great, real great. This got the attention of the other guard, who also has a blaster.

The second guard is closer to me, so that will be target number one. I decide to charge him and let what happens happen. He immediately starts shooting at me as quickly as he can fire them off.
But he isn’t aiming so that works for me. I get close enough to cut his throat but as a hostage would be worth more in this case. He dropped the blaster, first mistake. No matter what, rule number one is never give up any weapons ever. EVER. Just in case you didn’t figure that out on your read through. Rule #1; never give up any weapons ever. Is my point clear? Yes, then on with the story.

He looks like he’s somewhat decent in hand to hand combat, we’ll see. He starts off with a low kick; I dodge and fire back with a right hook. The hit connects and knocks him on his ass. I pick him up and put the knife on his throat and proceed to walk him towards the other guard.

I call out, “Hey, jackass! Put the gun down or your buddy dies and then you.”

Him, “You kill him and I’ll kill you.”

Me, “Looks like you have more to lose than me, just do what I say. All you have to do is toss the gun to me and any other weapons, and then get your buddies out of the ship.”

His eyes are full of tears, “Alright I’ll do it.”

I get the weapons and quickly put the rifle on my back and the second blaster on my waist. I feel better now with more guns on my person. I feel lucky now. Things can only get worse from here.
Just guess who is on the ship? C’mon just guess. Please? No? You people suck. I finally found Larry and Deebro. And it feels like Christmas, because they won’t give up their weapons. God I really feel lucky.

Deebro, “Well looks like your finally going to get your chance to see if you have the quicker pull.”

Me, “I don’t even have to do this to know I’m faster. Larry, since you were one of the guards that I actually got along with you can leave and I won’t kill you, as long as you leave your weapons.”

Larry, “Methinks, that not good idea. Deebro signs paycheck, I no get money if he deader than you.”

Me, “Well suite yourself Larry. Deebro is going to die one way or another today. Now just let me even the odds and we can start this off right.” I slit the guard’s throat I had hostage and the shoot the other one right between the eyes.

Deebro just looks calmly towards me and doesn’t even blink at the fact I just killed two of the guards in cold blood. Larry on the other hand drops his guns and takes off running, nothing like a greasy hog running away, catching and killing him is gonna be the highlight of my day.

Deebro, “Let’s finish this. You waited long enough for this fight.”

Me, “Well that’s the only time I think I’ve ever agreed with you.”

Deebro makes for a quick move for his blaster. He didn’t have a snowball’s chance on kessel. I had mine already pulled and fired, by the time his was out of the holster. I pumped 12 rounds into him with both of my blasters. Poor bastard shouldn’t have played cowboy today.

I quickly move and picked up every gun and round of ammo, in the area before boarding my new ship. Now, to finish Larry. Sorry, Larry it’s just business.

I pull the ship up and off the launch pad and start following his direction. For a fat fuck he made it pretty far. I saw him and immediately got the forward battery charged and light him up like a damn candle. Time to get the fuck off this planet.